Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Would Like to Thank...

Jeremy, who gave the "stink eye" and the "kick-you-ass-head-nod" to another Safeway patron for making rude comments about my legs and thighs. By the time Jeremy realized the elderly gentleman was indeed parked in his wheelchair next to the discounted frozen chicken it was too late and his caveman like gesture went unappreciated. Poor guy.

The grown woman wearing the purple tube top and her 10yr old daughter's booty shorts who got stuck inside a play structure thus trapping 4 toddlers on the twisty slide. After idol threats of a retaining a lawyer she was finally freed via the shift manager on duty and some helpful advise from the 3yr olds politely waiting above her. You made the hell that is McDonald's Playland a little more appealing.

The Ross Dress 4 Less sales associate for running my 2yr old over with a rolling clothes rack. You were right, that was an important text message you were responding to at the time of your blatant toddler crushing. The store manager was right to side with you. Don't worry, I wont come back to the store again until my daughter has grown a few more inches and can be seen over the clothing racks...just like you suggested.

The LDS missionaries for stopping by unannounced and talking all the way thru the season finally of American Idol. Here's some helpful advise young missionary:

1. If it's 8:30 at night, my kids are in bed and the hubby and I are most likely making out on the couch. Don't stop by, don't knock, just keep peddling that beauty of mountain bike on down the road.

2. If the house lights suddenly go dark moments after you knock on the door it means we've looked thru the peep hole and and have retreated to our safe-spot behind the kitchen counter w/ our children bribing them w/ generic strawberry soda so they'll keep quiet. So please, don't bother ringing the door bell, we know it's still you...we've been fooled before.

3. Last but not least...If I wanted you to come over for dinner I would have prepared enough food for you, your companion and the 4 other missionaries you brought with you. Just stopping by to say hello at 6 in the evening or casually wondering if we "needed anything" isn't a good excuse...I promise.

I'm sure there are many other people I'm leaving out. Forgive me for not mentioning your name. Know that I love you, you're in my thoughts and I'll probably blog/laugh/cry/talk about you with my husband behind the kitchen counter while filling sippy cups with strawberry soda tonight so, don't feel too left out.

Kisses! ~Ang

Friday, April 16, 2010

I Dont need to be saved.

Did you miss me? I thought so. Who wouldn't? So sorry I left but I'm back and that's what really matters right? Forgive me? Thanks, I knew you would. We've been a busy little McBride clan. Here's the scoop:

We made this:

Excited? I know, me too! Coming to the blogging world this July...stay tuned!

We bought this:

I don't think your husband loves you as much as mine loves me. Just sayin.

And last but not least we've been perfecting this:

I love him folks. Enough said!

This morning I am happy. Blissfully happy! Yesterday afternoon however this was not the case. I was pissed yesterday and ready to throw an elbow down right on top of a certain persons superior-better-then-you-are-attitude. Being a respectful self-controlled young mother I refrained and instead carried my hurt feelings out the front door, called my sister and cried. Dammit! I cant believe I cried!

Yesterday afternoon I found myself sitting in another woman's kitchen talking crayola crayons and how best to remove a melted masterpiece from your dryer. I love talking to other moms. Who doesn't? This particular mom I've known for a while. She's watched my kids, I've watched hers. My family has sat at her dinner table and hers at mine. I thought we were friends. I was wrong. The problem with claiming a "Borderline Mormon" status is finding a way to stay true to who you are and recognizing those who want to save you from your heathen ways. In other words diminish and/or crush how you and your significant other choose to raise/teach your children. I let my guard down this particular afternoon and that's so not like me.

When we first moved to Arizona we were astounded at how quickly the Mormons found us and how quickly we were assigned a "Mormon Buddy." The problem with having friends who are also members of the church (well for me anyway) is that you never know if they are your friends because they genuinely like you or they're trying to save you.


Our conversation yesterday afternoon took a turn for the worse when my mommy friend flat out asked me why I wasn't doing certain things if Jeremy and I had indeed gone through the temple (like I have a reason to lie about being sealed) and were worthy enough to do so at the time. After that long awkward silence the grilling continued. She asked about Jeremy's drinking problem. Drinking problem???!?? What the....why the hell would she....hold on....I had to lower the lump of fury in my throat that was sure to spew out of my mouth in a few moments. I sat there on that wobbly kitchen stool trying to hold back tears as she asked if her husband could come into OUR house to give OUR new baby a blessing after he is born. You know...since Jeremy and I will burst into flames if we set foot back in the chapel.

Let me clarify a few things. At one point in our 10 awesome years of marriage Jeremy and I were active and very much believed in the LDS church. We were sealed in the Portland Temple and it was wonderful. However, over the years we found that faking our way through church callings and social standards wasn't who we wanted to be. Finding that line between faith, maintaining that faith and all that accompanies it is what I find most difficult. Does that make sense?

Second, Jeremy DOES NOT have a drinking problem. We don't have beer in the fridge nor do we have a mysterious unlocked liquor cabinet floating around the house somewhere. I cant remember the last time Jeremy had a beer in his hand, it's been that long. So find another family to gossip about Mormon Mommy...I just don't need your crap right now.

This is what it boils down to: I am a good person. Jeremy and I do our absolute best to raise our children with a strong sense of community, faith in God and respect for others. We will never deny them opportunities for growth or a chance to learn and that makes us good parents. We don't need anyone to validate us as parents or as human beings. Yesterday I learned to never allow what others choose to gossip about (apparently its Jeremy's drinking problem and our lack of Mormon underwear) to make me cry. Defend your family, love your husband, and kiss your babies no matter how old they get or how embarrassing they think you are.

Ummmm....you're welcome!

Love, Ang

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Thats Right...I Did It!

Back in the day I use to get away with a TON of crap! It drove my sister, Linda crazy. Here she was an innocent band geek (sorry Linda but we gotta keep it real!) with an awesome grade point average and the common sense not to hot box the family car. Yet our mother blamed her for EVERYTHING! Poor Linda, I know! To make up for the years of injustice and unfair punishments brought down on Linda by our unreasonable mother I'm making a few confessions today.

Here's the twist...one of these stories is not true. Can you guess which one?

The first person to leave me a comment on my blog or Facebook profile with the down right blatant lie posted here today wins! What will you win? I don't know...but I'm pretty good at sending cool things in the mail so you just might be surprised. Try it. It could be fun.

Here goes...

1. In the 4th grade I changed the name plate on my teacher's classroom door from Mrs. Hornburger to Mrs. Horny-burger. I let my friend Gretchen take the heat for it. Her parents made her go see the school's counselor twice a week for the rest of the school year. I hear that Gretchen is now an upstanding Mormon with a successful "dancing" career in Vegas. You go Gretchen...more power to ya!

2. When I was six I had a huge crush on the cutest little red haired boy. We were later married by a 5th grader in between the teeter-totters and four square courts. A few days later he caught me on the swings with another little boy named Zeb. My newly wedded darling called me a polygamist (only it came out pigmi-est) and told me I would be hearing from his lawyer. I wasn't sure what I was more upset about; the fact that I could loose half of the My Little Pony collection it took me 2 birthdays and a Christmas to build in a messy divorce or that I let a kid named "Zeb" push me on the swings and steal my favorite Strawberry Shortcake hair ribbons.

3. My freshman year of high school I was forced to attend seminary (an early morning "bible study" of sorts) at the church before school started. Being the pissed off teenager that I was me and another girl (who shall remain nameless for fear of ex-communication) decided that it would be a good idea to break into all the unlocked cars in the parking lot and steal the buttons and knobs from car stereos and heater/AC controls. Feeling our guilt some weeks later we gift wrapped our stolen treasures in a Sketchers shoe box and left it in on our Bishop's front pouch. The following week an announcement was made in seminary:

"Those currently without volume control and heat in their vehicles should pick up the appropriate 'nobbies' in the clerk's office on the way out. My only conclusion is that our seemingly guilt ridden brother or sister wears Sketchers, size 8 1/2 with a blue and white stripe on the side."
After the announcement I remember thinking "Shit! I really liked those shoes, now I'll have to give them to my sister!"

4. My friend Heather Jackson and I stole a bunch of fried chicken and M&Ms from the AMPM and gave them to a homeless man at Wortman Park. He thanked us and later asked if he could take our picture with a puppy he had waiting in the tent village where he lived. We ran like hell and promised to never speak of it again.

5. Jeremy and I were married in a court house in Port Orchard, WA on July 21, 2000. On May 20, 2001 we had a huge wedding and reception in Aloha, OR. No one and I repeat NO ONE knew that we had been married a year earlier in Washington. We actually have 2 marriage licenses filed in two different states. To this day my mother has no clue! Every year on our "fake" wedding anniversary in May my mom calls and I have to pretend that we're doing something cool to celebrate. Maybe my little red haired childhood husband was right. If the state of Oregon and the state of Washington ever got to talking one day over coffee I could be considered a polygamist. On the other hand I did marry the same person both times so I'm praying that we're in the clear.

There you have it! Five outstanding confessions including one deception. Can you guess which one is the lie? Thanks to my favorite blogger Cjane (she is just one click away on my sidebar, check her out!) for the awesome blog idea...I've had a little bit of blogger's block lately! Till next time my friends...happy guessing!


Monday, July 20, 2009

Can I Get a WHAT WHAT?

This is what happens when you leave your camera, a pair of kiddie headphones and an iPod unattended and at the fingertips of a five year old with an uncanny ability to rock out! This is what I found on our camera when I went to download new pics of our daughter fresh out of her peanut butter bath (more on that later). Enjoy...

At first its all about finding the right jam
Once you've got it its hard not let your head bob just a bit
Feel the lyrics and power of that first awesome guitar rift

Don't forget the chorus

...and you better not miss that high note!

Last but not least tilt your head back and let it all out!

The end.
Ummm...Your welcome!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Just a Little Sumthin'

So, I would like to tell you that my absence was due to an all consuming illness and that it was just too much for my broken body and I to travel the 5ft from my bedroom to the office. That would make me a big fat liar. I would like to tell you that I've been busy traveling the country promoting my new book (insert clever title here) but that would make me a liar liar pants on fire. I'm facing the facts here folks, I've been lazy, I've been lethargic, I've gained enough weight this month to walk by a mirror and scream "Bloody hell!!" That's right I'm having one of those months. But lets focus on the positive here. Guess who really is promoting her book this month? That's right...this little gem:

(Kate Gosslin of Jon & Kate Plus 8)

Does anyone else have a problem with her or is it just me? Lets just be honest here. I've watched the show -- many times. I couldn't resist temptation nor could I hold myself back from watching Kate chip away at her husband's self-esteem. Not to mention watch her smack, hit and slap her way to Jon's ultimate humiliation. I don't think I've ever watched an interview with the two of them where Kate's "love taps" didn't leave him comforting a stung shoulder or knee cap. Contributing to the circus that is Jon and Kate plus 8 is not the most responsible thing I've ever done BUT it is absolutely necessary that I lay the matter to rest on this note:

I hate Kate Gosslin's



Now that I have expressed my thoughts on the matters consuming UsWeekly magazine shall we move on? A lot has been going on since I last left you and as concerned/nosy/you-could-really give-a-crap friends belonging my inner circle I want to keep you informed.

Item 1: The mini-van. That's right, Jeremy caved and bought me a mini-van!! My dreams of soccer mom-hood have really come true. I'm that much closer to sporting an honor roll bumper sticker and little stick figure people bearing resemblance to my family members on the back glass. I'm ROCKIN' that mini!! By the way, so is Jeremy. The points laughs and stares coming from all the green-eyed monsters he works with are only wails of jealousy and envy. I've reassured him of this many times.

Item 2: The cats. Living in Arizona has taught me a thing or two about unwelcome creatures that take up residence in homes without consulting it's current occupants. Mice! EWWWWW! The kids thought it was great...new pets! (Riley named them all and cried uncontrolably at each mouse funeral.) No matter how long I cleaned, scrubbed or bleached they would reappear and invite dear 'ol Auntie Icky and Uncle Nastiness along for extended visits. Problem solved with the help of our new feline friends. Riley named his kitty Meow Meow and Haley named her kitty Puppy. Don't ask!

Item 3: Mormon update. The Bishop came by a few times this past month. I cant say no to the guy. He's got to be one of the nicest guys I've ever met (that and he reminds me of my Uncle Ray-- and how could you not love my Uncle Ray!). I'm sure he is currently working on finding us an active "Mormon Buddy" to speed along the process of our re-conversion. If you're not familiar with the "Mormon Buddy" technique its simple:

1. Find unsuspecting active family church members that share absolutely no common interests or background to befriend said inactive Mormon family.

2. Set up "play dates" otherwise known as uncomfortable and abnormally long dinners in which you try not to shoot yourself in the head.

3. When said "Mormon Buddy" is appalled at lack of regular Family Home Evenings, tithe offerings, and church attendance but remain persistent -- its time to pull out the big guns and invite all your ex-communicated family members over for a visit.

So how 'bout it family? I could really use the help!!

Loves from AZ! ~Ang

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Are You in a Mommy Slump?

Take the quiz here!!

1. The last time you got your hair done was...

A. Yesterday. I have a standing appointment every six weeks, if I don't show up my hairdresser calls to make sure I'm OK.

B. Hairdresser? Is that what the lady at Supercuts is called?

C. I had my hair cut last week thanks to my daughter, a piece of watermelon Bubbalicious and my husband's safety scissor skills.

2. The last time you had a manicure was...

A. Yesterday, my hair dresser fit me in w/ her nail gal while she touched up my roots and foiled in some new highlights.

B. As long as the Ruby Red Wet N' Wild (nail polish that is) covers 7 out of 10 fingernails who needs a manicure?

C. Last week I got to soak my hands in potty water while retrieving my husband's work keys.

3. The last time you wore of pair of heels that hurt like hell but made you feel like America's Next Top Model was...

A. Saturday night, because every Saturday is date night.

B. A few hours ago while showing my 5 year old son how not to scuff the floor if he insists on wearing them while Daddy is at work.

C. Exactly 2 years, 6 months, 3 weeks and 5 days ago the night our youngest was conceived. All of my heels have mysteriously disappeared from our closet. My husband still maintains his innocence even while under interrogation.

4. The last time you ate a meal that wasn't prepared by you was...

A. Saturday...its date night. Remember?

B. Do goldfish crackers count as a meal? If they do then my son can whip up a pretty mean helping!

C. I may or may not have, accidentally, eaten a booger off the baby's cheek when going in for a goodnight smooch. I try not to think about it.

5. The last time you left the kiddies with the husband for a well deserved time out was...

A. Friday night. Its Lady's night...DUH!

B. Time out? What is this thing you call time out?

C. Yesterday. The 4 1/2 min I spent alone while using the bathroom was heaven!

If you answered "C" to any of these questions -- RUN! Run far away from home and think twice about coming back. Sadly, I have found myself in a "C" kind of situation. I was in a mommy slump, that is until today.

Mother's Day is lovely. The homemade cards, breakfast in bed, cuddles from the kiddies that aren't forced and/or bribed. Its like our own personal Christmas. Jeremy made it especially fabulous for me this year. He sent me away! YEEEESSSS! Here is a financial rundown of how I spent my day.

* Breakfast with girlfriend and drinking all the coffee my bladder could hold
* Purchase of the most awesome vintage aprons in down town hippieville
* Sitting in a bar at 10am while getting the stink eye from a drag queen
* Finding & purchasing a picture of Jesus that looks exactly like our good friend Zach
* Drinking margaritas while getting "the nod" from cute boy at the next table
* Finding perfect pair of hot 'n sexy heels covertly disguised in a Nike shoebox

It is safe to say that my family loves me and I no longer feel the weight of my 5 year slump. Happy Mothers day y'all. Hope it was as awesome as mine!


PS: Dear Jeremy, the picture of Jesus disguised as Zach was a necessity and very much needed to grace the walls of his bathroom. Without it his bathroom decor would be lacking in class and style. Sometimes ya just gotta help a homie out! I knew you would understand.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

They say its Your Birthday!

My sweet little boy, Riley, is in the next room watching Christmas movies. Why you may ask? Because it's his birthday, and by his calculations it must be Christmas too. After many days of begging and pleading for our Christmas tree to be freed from it's box in the garage, he settled for "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" and "Its Christmas Charlie Brown!" tucked away in our family's DVD collection. This can only mean one thing -- a new holiday! Ladies and gentleman I give to you this 6th day of May....


Did you forget? How dare you! Where is your Rileymas tree? No Rileymas cookies either? Your children will be so disappointed! What kind of a parent are you? The spirit of Rileymas must have escaped your heart this year. Well, now you've got the memo, lets try and keep up next year kay?

Today will consist of a little family dinner, some cake, a few presents, and possibly the singing of a small babe wrapped in swaddling clothes. It's been five whole years since I held my babe wrapped in blue crocheted fluff. Each year has taught me lessons I could have never learned on my own. With the help of my Riley I am a stronger wiser mother.

Year one lesson learned: Catch your child when he is falling. Otherwise the stares, whispers and finger pointing that will go on behind your back may lead to a call involving Child Protective Services.

Year two lesson learned: NEVER laugh, snicker or otherwise hint that you are amused when your child sticks sausage links up his nose. It will get stuck. You will have to go to the emergency room. You will have to explain to your boss why you were late for work and you will have pay the enormous hospital bill later.

Year three lesson learned: Explain to your child the difference between Jesus -- his fellow classmate and buddy at play school and Jesus -- son of God. Otherwise claims of innocence due to direct instruction from Jesus (out on the playground) will be hard to explain to neighbors and friends. You will be known as the "Jesus freaks" that live down the street and play dates will be few and far between.

Year four lesson learned: Never encourage obsession. Otherwise Thomas the Tank Engine and all his steam engine friends will invade your home and steal your husband's hard earned money. You'll have to follow Thomas on his tour of the United States, learn his theme songs and perfect his specific chug-a-chug-chug along the imaginary train tracks in your living room
Year five lesson learned: Hug your child more. Kiss him every morning and remind him how truly unique and special he is. Remind yourself how lucky you are to have that booger picking, forgets to flush the toilet, still needs a hand to hold when he's scared five year old in your life.
I am blessed. I am amazed. I am in love.

Merry Rileymas to you all!