Thursday, April 2, 2009

On my mind today...

1. Is it really too much to ask the repair man to knock at the front door and alert me of his presence?


Of course it is.

He would have to covertly disguise his can of Blue Ribbon Beer, walk/stumble an extra two feet, ball up that callused hand of his and actually make contact with the door. Not to mention wait for me to drag my ass out of bed at the ungodly hour of 6 in the morning and wait for me to politely tell him to piss off...come back later jack ass!

2. Is it really worth $275 for someone to teach Zelda the Wonder Dog to heal and play nice with the neighborhood kitty?


Um...ya...that would be a no.

Sorry little kitty, you'll just have to grow a pair. Momma needs a new dryer.

3. Do I really need to know ALL the words to Thomas the Tank Engine's theme song?



Yes I do.

Apparently that little blue engine knows all and sees all. If you mess up his song you'll never get to the Island of Sodor (where all of the most important trains live). Santa isn't allowed to bring anything Thomas related down the chimney. You can't buy the outrageously priced wooden railroad set or even watch the DVDs narrated by Alec Baldwin! (Thank you Mr. Baldwin, it's an honor to have you in our home.) I'm cramming for my Thomas the Tank Engine final right now so that my son and I can divert this crisis.

4. Do moms deserve a certain amount of privacy while on the pot?



No, we deserve NOTHING!

Those little fingers wiggling underneath that crack between the floor and the locked bathroom door crave my direct attention. The picture of Zelda the Wonder Dog eating a poopie diaper (drawn by my artistic and creative 4 year old) needs my immediate and loving approval. My husband's two day old smelly work shirt needs to be ironed so that the pit stains aren't as prominent as the day before. (Good God man! it's not like you don't have another clean one!) All of these issues are indeed pressing. How dare I take even a moment to wash and dry my hands!

5. Who really does have the right of way when it comes to shopping cart etiquette inside Wal-Mart?




When you've got a stage 4 temper tantrum wailing accusations of child abduction while forcibly tucked under your good spanking arm accompanied by a pant load of fresh doodie currently residing in your daughter's brand new sundress -- its time for Betty White to get the hell out of the way! Sorry Grandma those white tube socks will still be on sale 30 seconds from now...don't worry your can still wear them with your plastic sandals its "oh-the-rage" in Paris still.

AHHHHH! Now I feel much better. See what a little Mommy Blogging and a good rant will do for ya? If you'll excuse me I've got a drunk repair man with power tools in the back yard to supervise, one innocent kitty to save from certain death, a theme song to practice, art to hang on the refrigerator, and spanking arm to ice and rest up. Happy day!

SIDE NOTE: Don't worry Jeremy. My hands were thoroughly washed before the preparation of your dinner last night. What kind of mother and wife would I be if I didn't do the bare minimum for my dear family?

1 comment:

  1. Now thats FUNNY! You inspire me to make people laugh girl. Thanks!