Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dont Pet the Piggies

My heart fell into my butt joke!

Little Miss Haley J and Riley decided to go ice skating on the kitchen's hardwood floor. No ice? No problem. Zelda's water dish served its purpose and became the key ingredient for the success of McBride Winter Olympics 2009. As the two of them gracefully danced, swayed, and slid their way to gold, Haley became the first casualty.

"Mom! Mom! Haley hurt herself and I didn't even touch her!" Riley announces. The usual ring of guilt in his voice was missing this time around. That's odd.

Apparently, while attempting a double flip with a half twist my little cherub fell into a most painful split action landing. The thud of her round little head wasn't what concerned me most. The sound of tree branches breaking coming from her 2 1/2 foot frame sent my heart into a downward spiral.

Crap! What do I do now? Jeremy just left for work -- no car in the driveway. My neighbors are freak shows. Their only concern is how many rabid dogs can they collect and tie out on their front porch without animal control interfering. No way was I going that rout. My nearest friend (and only friend) lives 22 miles away in Douglas. All I could think about was Haley clubbing me over the head with her second hand wooden leg because I didn't get her to the doctor in time.

I strategically scooped her up off our kitchen's new ice rink and rocked her back and forth. I checked for bruising, swelling and protruding leg bones. Nothing. Thank God. After a few panicked moments, hyperventilating, and practically pooping myself Haley stopped crying. She was taking this a lot better then her mother. OK, time to move on, diaper needs changed (hers, not mine. ALMOST pooped myself -- remember?) I laid her down. No screaming. This is good. I rolled her on her side attempting to lessen any discomfort and there it was again...logs breaking and children wailing, myself included. She wouldn't walk, she just screamed. If my heart wasn't officially in my butt before it was laying on the ground between my Nike's thumping panic and misery now.

Jeremy never answers his cell at work, and like the diligent and prepared mother that I am I didn't have a work number for him. (Emergency? We don't have no stinking emergencies!) I called his phone praying that God would forget about all the "herbs" I "might have" smoked in high school and to have mercy on me.

God loves me folks, He really does love me.

Jeremy answered on the first ring! 20 min later we were in the car on our way to the ER. I cried the whole way, Riley maintained his innocence, Jeremy drove like a man on fire and Haley J slept the entire time, the only McBride with any sense. I mustered up all my super mom powers and whisked my little girl into the ER careful not to catch my super cape in the sliding glass doors. Jeremy, armed with insurance card and seemingly innocent 4 year old, parked the car.

After I maintained my own innocence to the ER charge nurse, advising her many times that I have never beaten my children, I secured our place in line and made our way through the sea of coughers and hackers many wearing surgical white masks. Strange, I thought to myself. Then as quickly as my heart dropped the first time, I heard Jeremy's hit the bottom of his stomach as he quietly whispered into my ear.

Swine Flu.

Not only have I possibly broken my 18 month old daughters leg, now I could be responsible for exposing my entire family to a deadly virus currently sweeping the nation. When the President advised US citizens to avoid unnecessary travel to Mexico, he forgot about all of the tiny US border towns that might as well be considered Swine Flu breading ground. For the past week I have kept our children inside the protective boundaries of our home, diligently reading up on symptoms and searching them each night for unexplained rashes. Now there we were in the midst of a global heath crisis. Crap! If I haven't secured my place in outer darkness yet I sure have now.

Jeremy masked the kids quickly as I secured my own. He was calm, he was cool and he was, as usual, AMAZING. We took a seat close together away from anyone who looked questionable, the three of us, tucked securely into Jeremy's protective arms. What a great time to be in the ER, right? What were we to do though? Luckily, we spent a short 10 min in the waiting room thanks to a really kind security guard who spotted Jeremy in his uniform. We were moved to a private room.

So, long story short, Haley didn't break her leg. Thank goodness! She did however slip a joint out of place and tear a muscle. The doctor prescribed some pain medication, rest and requested that we keep her off her feet for at least two days. How the heck am I suppose to keep my toddler from running let alone walking? I'm leaning toward the aid of the pain medication but Jeremy has recently issued complaint with my sometimes unconventional parenting methods. I also fear that the ER charge nurse at Sierra Vista Community Hospital has enlisted that tattle tale abilities of our son.

So, the lesson learned here folks: DO NOT-- under any circumstances --pet the piggies!

The End.

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